Change Your Image
capncrusty
Reviews
Dark Angel: The Ascent (1994)
Bad; very bad
When I saw Charles Band's name attached to this one, I should have known it would smell worse than the pit from which the title character came. One has to wonder with whom the "starlet" slept, for it obviously wasn't her "acting" that got her the nod. As for the other characters, I can't recall ever seeing such a mish-mash of robotic emoting combined with overacting so ludicrous that it would have been over-the-top even in a spoof.
I find it amazing that this gobbler got such a high rating. Apparently the entire crew, plus their families, friends and pets must have been the only ones that voted. Overall, the DVD of "Dark Angel" is not worth the hellfire to melt it. Give it a miss.
Meteor (2009)
What do you expect?
According to the "Full cast and crew" list, the "writer" is known primarily for "writing" the scripts for "WWF Smackdown" or whatever one calls that fake wrestling crap. It shows--absolutely no subtlety or depth, nothing original, cardboard characters, standard disaster-movie format (various soap-operas wrapped around a catastrophe), minimal science and generally speaking, nothing worth recommending. I'd give it one star, but some of the special effects were tolerable. Barely. So if you're bored--and boy, you'd have to be REALLY bored--go ahead and watch it. Drugs and booze might help, but you'd have to do dangerous levels to even come close to enjoying this gobbler...and then, you'd probably just fall asleep. Which might be best.
Impact (2009)
Simply incredible
It's as if the writers got together over Domino's pizza, cheap beer and bad weed and said: "Let's take every disaster-movie cliché, one-dimensional character-stereotype and hoary, time-worn situation fiction has ever come up with, lump them in together with crappy special effects, laughable "science" and all the inane pop-psyche observations about the 'human condition' we can think of, then pitch it to the network execs. It's bound to be a hit!" And they were right; the front-office guys bought it (NOTE: I'm assuming that at least one of the aforementioned scribblers was related to one of the execs). And we who watched it lost. This is one of the worst pieces of garbage I have ever seen. Absolutely nothing innovative or original. Absolutely. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Negatron. I think the fact that "Impact" even got past CBS's front door suggests that indeed Hollywood is nearly as dead as GM. If you value your artistic soul, do NOT watch this thing.
Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)
Criminal
Quite possibly the worst movie ever made. EVER. Seriously. Well into the negative stars for worst plot, worst acting, worst monster, worst special effects, worst mad scientist, worst illicit laboratory, worst secret agents, and worst accents--New Yawk positively dripped from each syllable. Okay, maybe Joisey, too. Overall, I'd have to say that if a dozen mentally-deficient eight-year-olds on a terminal sugar-and-Ritalin binge had made "Weasels Rip My Flesh (more accurately, "Movie Ate 75 Minutes of My Life") with some WWII vintage 8mm film, a pile of butcher-shop leavings and a buck ninety-five, it couldn't have been worse. Ed Wood would have shot himself if he had been connected to this gobbler. It was made as a joke? Sorry, but it flopped. Whatever else you may do in your life, MISS THIS. Don't even watch it for a MST3K fest unless you have plenty of mind-altering substances available and a group of 'bots with absolutely no self-respect or taste whatsoever. Bad. Bad bad bad bad bad BAD. I won't even mention the blatant rip-off of the end-theme from "One Step Beyond". Okay, so I did. So sue me...JUST DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. You have been warned. I disavow any further responsibility.
In the Valley of Elah (2007)
From a vet: grim
The Army builds men, then tears them down again; "In the Valley of Elah" shows this all too well. Take it from someone who was in a different/the same war, not some chubby, zit-faced poser in Goth-wear who's never gotten closer to conflict than his joy stick. You want to support the troops? Bring them home, and put the war criminals in jail. Period.
I just hope I can sleep tonight. It's been damn near an hour since I shut it off, and I still haven't come down. Not a good sign. It would be nice if we didn't have to make these movies anymore. It would also be nice if IMDb didn't reflexively demand "ten lines". I said all I had to in five.
Thr3e (2006)
New rating category needed
Possible spoilers...as if that could happen with this gobbler. Right off the bat, I had three problems: 1) the tough lady cop looks like a fashion model; 2) the hero lives in a converted warehouse, complete with a cage-type elevator; 3) the dog dies. All about as hackneyed as it gets. Added along the way: another tough, gun-toting fashion-model, a girlfriend this time; some pretty unlikely plot elements; a trio of REALLY overacting crazy people; and a "shocking ending" which bounces around so much that any surprise ends up falling flat--particularly with the whacky Mel Brooks' "don't nobody move" flourish. Mix it all up with a heavy dose of third-rate Christian pop-psychology (I know, I know, that's redundant), and you got "Thr3e". And you can have it.
Okay, that's a little harsh. There was some tension, some action, some effective atmosphere. So I give it 2 stars. I mean, it wasn't as bad as Paretti, but then Paretti's pretty BAD.
Speaking of which, how about we get a new Rating Category: CT, for "Christian Themed"? So that those of us who don't buy into that particular brand of hocus-pocus can make better informed choices about what and what not to watch.
Mad Cowgirl (2006)
BOY, I'm getting tired of crap movies
I'm come to the conclusion that there needs to be a new rating added to the system: APC, "Artsy Poser Crap". Characteristics: No straightforward plot development, completely unlikeable and undeveloped characters, elements tossed in for no reason at all, designed with smirking, jaded "Film Appreciation 201" grads in mind. That's right, I'm completely unimaginative, totally bogged down in traditional petite bourgeoisie story telling methodology--probably even (gasp!) straight, gender-preference-wise. But see, here's the thing: when I see a movie I like, it's because it succeeds by having a real story, real characters and real atmosphere. It doesn't have to toss together a bunch of disjointed shots and rambling dialog adorned by a hodge-podge score, then hope no one notices the absolute emptiness that results--or else is too afraid of being labeled as "unappreciative of art" to admit it.
Well, at the risk of being so pigeon-holed--"Cowgirl" is crap. Phony, jumbled crap. Interesting idea completely ruined by someone who apparently thought he would make "art".
So, please, Hollywood: APC. For those of us who prefer or creativity to have both content AND form, instead of cinemagraphic cuisinart.
Patooie.
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End (2007)
You're kidding me, right?
It's like 150 people were told, "You can each write 1 minute of the screenplay", but no one was allowed to see what anyone else was writing; and then those little bits of script were all tossed into a blender, mixed on "high" for about a week, and finally splorked out onto the screen like a drunk sailor's vomit in stormy seas. Whoever the "continuity" person was for POTC3 should be keelhauled, drawn and quartered, hanged from a yardarm, then forced to have dinner with Gilbert Gottfried at a cheap taco joint called "The Alley Cat Tortilla".
In case it's not clear by now, what I'm saying is that THIS THING MADE NO SENSE. Is "comprehensible plot" no longer a viable concept? Has Hollywood finally come out and admitted that they'll make only one good movie, then churn out a mess (literally) of crappy sequels, knowing that their investment will make them big bucks no matter what? I hope to Poseidon that Johnny Depp is still smacking himself for ever agreeing to making this piece of trash.
And while I'm in the mood, politically incorrect as it may be, a skinny, diminutive, pouty-lipped blond won't be a convincing swashbuckler no matter HOW MUCH SHE BELLOWS!
For what it's worth, I loved the first POTC, tolerated the 2nd, and am a big pirate fan, in that I own my own swashbuckler costume, as well as a copy of "Treasure Island", have been spewing Robert Newtonish "piratese" for literally decades, and observe "Talk Like A Pirate Day" as my favorite holiday. So don't go thinking I didn't like this because I don't like pirates.
Fort Doom (2004)
Fort Dumb
An interesting premise, and Billy Drago is always good as a dangerous nut-bag (side note: I'd love to see Drago, Stephen McHattie and Lance Hendrikson in a flick together; talk about raging cheekbones!). The soundtrack wasn't terrible, either.
But the acting--even that of such professionals as Drago and Debbie Rochon--was terrible, the directing worse (perhaps contributory to the former), the dialog chimp-like, and the camera work, barely tolerable. Still, it was the SETS that got a big "10" on my "oy-vey" scale. I don't know where this was filmed, but were I to hazard a guess, it would be either an open-air museum, or one of those re-enactment villages, where everything is just a bit too well-kept to do more than suggest the "real Old West". Okay, so it was shot on a college kid's budget. That said, I could have forgiven one or two of the aforementioned faults. But taken all together, and being generous, I could not see giving it more than three stars.
Cadaver Bay (2003)
Not Terrible
Not terrible. Adequate atmosphere, tolerable acting and directing, decent dialog and characterization, some (but not TOO much) gore--in short, better than a lot of indy-horror one sees...you know, the kind obviously produced by fifteen-year-olds with more hi-tech video and sound equipment--and maybe weed--than talent.
"Hellbound: Book of the Dead" is no "Exorcist" or even "Night of the Demon", but if you're a fan of the genre, and looking for something watchable that you haven't seen before, give this one a look--preferably at night, in the dark; in other words, best when you provide your own ambiance. Otherwise, look further.
The Ruling Class (1972)
Whoa
I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or panic. So I did all three. At the same time. Me, Jesus, and the Electric Jehovah. "Fug!" screamed JC, in addendum. As well he should've, all things considered.
But there there remains this: ladies, beware! If you find yourself in the arms of your lover, then suddenly in Whitechapel, there isn't much time. The poacher takes it in the bum for a reason, you know. As for the butler, well...see for yourself if he did "it" or not. The odds are not good for the little Bolshie; maybe that's why he drinks. The fox is jolly good, though, bladder and all.
Yet...THE DAMNED KID WON'T SHUT UP!
The Constant Gardener (2005)
Disappointing
Supposedly this was a "political thriller"...yet there was precious little politics, and even fewer thrills. Diplomat-type marries anti-economic-imperialist crusader, she goes too far and is offed by an evil corporate giant in collusion with the British government, he wanders around vaguely looking for her killers, then, when he finds them, lets them kill him so he can "join her". The end. Really. Not much left out, because there wasn't much TOO leave out. Except for a eulogy near the end--and it rather boiler-plate--no great, original statements against obsessive/compulsive hyper-capitalists or collusive politicians, no intense nail-biting moments of threat to the fumbling hero, not even a good car chase (there is only one car chase at all that I can remember; if there were others, they were not memorable, which again is the problem). Even the little bit of "skin" is mitigated by advanced pregnancy. So...if your supreme focus in life is opposition to the myriad ills of legalized theft that is modern high-level corporatism, or are just a fan of Weisz and/or Fiennes, then by all means watch away. Otherwise, give it a bit of a miss, mate.
Half Light (2006)
Half Wit
Ach, lass, but yer portrayal o' a mum what's lost 'er wee bairn is a bit less'n convincin'. 'N' e'en the tossin' in o' th' odd ghostie or two, 'n' shots o' th' Welsh coast disguised as Scootland nay kin save it, d'ye ken?
Just for the record, I really hate fiction written by authors with the main character being an author. It is artistic masturbation to the nth degree. That said, as far as the flick itself goes--eh. Watchable, but just barely. And at the end, I sat here thinking: I just watched "Six Sense" get merged with "Gaslight", and not in a good way. Every plot "twist" was telegraphed a mile off, so much so that a viewer such as myself, whom generally tries NOT to predict the outcome of each scene but rather lets the artists unfold the story as they (hopefully) intended, couldn't keep from thinking, time and time again: "Hmmm, I suppose this means, scraggly-bearded lover boy is a ghost"; "Hmmm, I suppose this means, husband is in on The Plot"; "Hmmm, I suppose this means, girlfriend is in on the plot". Add to this a "psychic" Scots lass who explains everything that doesn't need explaining--because subtle, this flick ain't--and one's left with the intense desire to hunt down everyone involved in this gobbler and ask: "What were you thinking? WERE you thinking?"
As noted by other reviewers: Good scenery. And there was a nice amount of camera work that built up an appreciably creepy feeling at times. But overall, I gotta give this Demi Moore vehicle a slowly-deflating flat tire--rather like her career, aye?
La marche de l'empereur (2005)
Eh
This is, for better and worse, just one more National Geographic special, which means incredible visual shots, while the verbiage is fit only for a college freshman comp course AT BEST. So what made this such a hit documentary? I'll be ding-busted if I know. I suppose the subject matter had something to do with it. I mean, who can hate nature? Other than the Bush Administration and their cohorts, that is. And really, some of the footage is fantastic: desolate ice-scapes, pristine seas and a moon so sharp and clear that it looks as if it could be touched.
Problem: it ain't all like that.
Give it a watch, but leave the sound off. And if you want straightforward information on penguin behavior, etc, read a book.
The Passion of the Christ (2004)
Jesus H Christ
It's probably true that the people best qualified to judge "The Passion of the Christ" solely on its merits as a film are those with no specific metaphysical ax to grind, yet having some familiarity with the appropriate mythos and its various multicultural manifestations. As a Western agnostic, I would like to think that my POV might therefore be of some worth.
What the hell; I'll give it a whirl.
This movie could have run easily in half the time. Brutish men beat helpless nice guy to pulp, then nail him to a cross-tree: bad. Most of us get that kind of thing fairly quickly; those whom remain unconvinced that the execution of Jesus Christ was any more than one in a long series of mankind's inhuman acts aren't likely to see things otherwise, no matter how many times barbed whips rend bloody flesh. Indeed, I quickly found myself with my head propped in my hand, stifling a yawn, wishing the senseless savagery would either morph into a plot, or come to an end. One wonders, then, what Mel Gibson had in mind, producing two-plus hours of little else. I'm guessing here, but it may simply be as many have subsequently said: Max is indeed Mad.
Faith has a tendency to do that. Physicist Steven Weinberg stated: "With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion." Knowing truth may indeed set one free, but making it up only sets one loose. There's a world of hurt running rampant because some group of the credulous and easily misled grab hold of an internally-consistent verification of their own fantasies, then go out gibbering into the streets with it. It's the kind of thing that can stamp reason into the ground quicker than a Legionnaire's calceus.
Take the claim that the movie was anti-Semitic. Yes, many Jews were portrayed in an unfavorable light...but to me it seemed that the Romans came off even worse, if wanton cruelty trumps venality. Where, then, are the cries of "anti-Latinic"? If my above premise is valid, then when "faith" is involved, Jews are just as likely to behave as barbarically as anyone else. Nuts is nuts; and I'm afraid that crimes committed in the recent past, no matter how thuggish, do not grant the victims an eternal "king's X".
Overall, I'd have to say that "Passion"'s only saving grace (pun? not intended) was a few scenes that worked for atmosphere. But they were too brief and infrequent to gain the flick anything more than the Cap'n's "Three Dubloon" Rating.
A treasure, this ain't.
Society (1989)
The Rich Suck
When I Netflixed this, I thought: "Huh; another piece of Yuzna crap...but what the hell." Imagine my surprise.
I really don't know exactly what happened, or what them "people" wuz; but it would seem that Yuzna's read his Marx, and really took the part about "capital sucking, vampirelike" to heart. As far as social commentary goes, though, this has all the subtlety of Pee Wee Herman on a Twinkie binge. Still, to be frank, anything that slams the "born-on-third-and-thought-they-hit-a-triple" folk is fine by me.
And maybe that's what the antagonists were: the end result of centuries of upper-class inbreeding gone REALLY bad.
This is easily The Yuz's best movie. Okay, so that's like saying--speaking of "evil rich"--Dubya's Inaguration Address was his best speech ever, but still... I gotta give the man (Yuzna) credit, this one left me so immobilized that I even sat through the credits, going: "Uh; uh...uh?" And drooling mindlessly.
All in all, an enjoyable way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
Basket Case (1982)
"X-Files: Humbug" did it better.
Just shows to go you that a microscopic budget, no-name "actors" (deservedly so), a director whom would have to improve several fold to achieve ham-handedness (and whom had obviously never heard of a "boom mike"), animation that would give Wallace and Gromit a sense of superiority, and a half-baked plot developed through cliché-ridden exposition, can end up as...something.
Now I'm sure as is so often the case with flicks of this nature, there will be those whom proclaim it as "a work of genius, displaying with gritty authenticity the insanity that underlies the seedy facade of modern life", or some such vague prattling. But I don't think so. News flash: the consequences of an "artist's" work--favorable or otherwise--are often unintended, and even more often in the eye/ear of the perceiver.
Plain and simple, this was just incompetence taken to a high (sic) degree.
Auch Zwerge haben klein angefangen (1970)
Werner's Checklist
THINGS TO DO TODAY: 1) Get a bunch of miscellaneous people together; 2) Take them somewhere, anywhere; 3) Tell them: "Don't worry about it; just do some stuff"; 4) Film them doing it (preferably in black-and-white, for that "noir"-feel); 5) Get a lot of footage of landscapes, where nothing in particular happens; 6) Do some minor, pointless editing; 7) Release the results in a series of "recognized art theaters"; 9) Sit back and laugh over all the acclaim, as typified by: "Piercing insight into the human condition!" "Fantastic! Herzog at his best!" "I was moved at the (fill in appropriate "Film Appreciation 101" jargon)!"; 9) Accept an award; 10) Watch the bucks come rolling in.
FOR TOMORROW: Do it all over again.
Come on, folks: admit it to yourselves, if not to others. Don't you sometimes feel just a little bit conned by such drivel as "Even Dwarfs Started Small"?
I've Been Waiting for You (1998)
Minor anachronisms, but still watchable
I suppose I shouldn't worry to much about such things in modern movies, particularly the made-for-TV variety, but the anachronisms were just a bit much for me. For instance:
The film's action takes place in Massachusetts; central to the plot is the story of a burned-at-the-stake witch whom apparently used to live in a certain house. Said burning occurred during the Salem witch hunts of 1692, but the house is an unmistakable Victorian. It doesn't take an expert to realize that the style is eponymous with the English Queen, which meant that it couldn't have existed in that form until the mid-1800's, at least 125 years after the murder.
The accused witch, according to the (twenty-something) "high-school kids", supposedly was kept in a "straight-jacket in a padded cell in an asylum". I don't believe any of these things existed in Seventeenth Century Massachusetts; and even England's notorious Bedlam was more of a convenient dump-site for loonies, rather than a real mental institution.
And for a three-hundred-year-old tombstone, particularly one exposed to the corrosive effects of urban New England's infamous acid rain over a good part of that time, the carving sure looked sharp and fresh.
Otherwise, I rather enjoyed "I've Been Waiting for You", simply because, like most "slasher flicks", it gives me--someone whom worked at a state university for over a quarter-century-- the opportunity to watch college-age kids get tormented--even unto death.
Mmmm...yes....
No Return (2003)
Sadly Bad
Low budget? Okay, fine; not a problem. If the story is good, then who needs seven-figure special effects? (If I had a buck for every time I've suffered through the reverse, I could tear up the mortgage right now.) And even if the story isn't so hot...well, then, capable acting and directing still can carry most efforts through.
Sadly, both munched in this ultimately poor film; which is even more unfortunate, because the atmosphere was creepy enough. But I've witnessed more believable emoting in a middle school play. The dialog especially was delivered as if most of the "actors" were reading it for the first time. One take, maybe?
That IS low-budget.
As well, I notice from the IMDb that this was the first film for many of the primaries. It shows.
So, I give this gobbler three stars, and all of it for the unnerving ambiance--essentially the only thing that worked.
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)
The bacony stench of Canada just got rancid in the extreme
There's very little that ticks me off more than some poser taking a bunch of nothing, slapping it all together with no plan, displaying it, and then, when the catcalls come rolling inevitably in, sniffing with royal disdain and muttering: "Oh, they just don't understand art." Garbage is garbage, and all the regurgitated jargon out of a community-college film-appreciation class won't con anyone with more than seven functioning brain cells into thinking that "JCVH" is anything more. And if I were a Christian, I'd pray to Jeebus to damn everyone connected with this gutter-sweeping to the lowest pit of hell...where He would then proceed to bury them.
Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972)
So Bad It's...Bad
The MST3K boys wouldn't know where to begin with "Children Shouldn't". In fact, this best thing about this little fly-speck is, at least it's not Italian horror.
On the negative side...well, that's just about everything else: bad story, bad acting, bad sound editing (REALLY bad sound editing; what's with all them wolves howling in the background, anyhoo?), and enough stereotypically flamboyant gayness to set the cause of gender-orientation rights back twelve billion years.
The most amazing thing? There seems to be a REMAKE in production. You can never find an Art Quality cop when you need one.