- Life's not fair, is it? Some of us drink champagne in the fast lane, and some of us eat our sandwiches by the loose chippings on the A597.
- I haven't got a waist. I've just got a sort of place ... a bit like an unmarked level crossing.
- [on Claire Rayner] She's so nice and sympathetic and understanding, you just want to smack her in the face with a broccoli quiche.
- I thought you could get pregnant if you swam the backstroke in the same lane as a boy who'd just swum the butterfly.
- In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television ... and as far as I was concerned, if Pinky and Perky didn't do it, I didn't want to know about it.
- All my friends started getting boyfriends ... but I didn't want a boyfriend, I wanted a thirteen-colour biro.
- We all had really greasy hair. It made sealskin look dry and unmanageable.
- I'm thirty-three, I've got a mortgage, I go to garden centres ... I shouldn't have acne.
- You know that building in London where all the windows blew out? That wasn't a bomb, it was fifty-six pre-menstrual women the day the chocolate machine broke down.
- I looked up the symptoms of pregnancy ... moody, irritable, big bosoms ... I've obviously been pregnant for thirty-six years.
- Did you know sex is going out of fashion? It's a little trend I've started.
- I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room ... I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.
- I once found myself in bed with a man who was a real do-it-yourself enthusiast ... he ripped off all his clothes and said 'What would you like me to do?' I said, 'Well, really I'd like you to fix my overflow and re-point my brickwork.'
- [on spending Christmas with the family] A bit like being in intensive care, only not so relaxing.
- [on being a vegetarian] I'm all for killing animals and turning them into handbags. I just don't want to have to eat them.
- I don't want a toyboy - he wouldn't get my jokes.
- If you think you'll have a shag, pop a Johnny in your bag.
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