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Skins (UK TV series)

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Skins is a British television program from Company Pictures which premiered on E4 on January 25, 2007. It centres on the lives of a group of sixth-form students who live in Bristol.

Series 1

Tony [1.1]

Tony: Tonight's the night, Sid. You finally pop the cherry, you finally get the VIP tour of Neverland, you finally...
Sid: Fuck off. [mutters] Don't make fun of me.
Tony: Alright, who's stupid enough to fuck Sid?
Michelle: Cassie?
Sid: No, she's still in hospital.
Michelle: No, they let her out; she's just not allowed to handle knives.
Sid: [defeated] Alright, she'll do.
Tony: Okay we'll have to get a lot of drugs. Tell you what: get an ounce. We can sell it at the party.
Sid: I've got to get an ounce of spliff?
Tony: Sure. There's this guy on Bradley Stoke who'll sell on tick; tell him you'll pay tomorrow.
Sid: Why don't you go?
Tony: Can't. Got tai chi, then my choir audition, then psychology.
Michelle: Cassie's great in the sack... as long as she's not hungry.
Sid: Who says?
Tony and Michelle: Everyone.
Tony: I say this world extends way beyond this little field of dreams we're dancing in, and I wanna see that world.
Chris: What the fuck's he on about?
Jal: He's quoting, Chris. It's a literary reference.
Chris: What do you mean, like Shakespeare and shit?
Jal: Dawson's Creek.
Maxxie: Where are you going?
Chris: To find that party.
Maxxie: Nah!
Chris: Look, it's posh kids! All the boys are gay!
Maxxie: Yea?
Anwar: Are the girls gay, too?
Chris: Look... everyone's gay!
Tony: How's the treatment going, Cassie?
Cassie: Oh, it's cool. I wear a white dress and now I can eat yogurt, cup-a-soup, and hazelnuts now. I'm not sick if they let me play with the cats. Yeah, it's like... hazy days, y'know?
Tony: Well, that's encouraging...

Cassie [1.2]

Anwar: I'm praying to my God here, Cass.
Cassie: Oh... wow... is he listening?
Anwar: I hope not, otherwise he'll know about all those pills I nicked last night.
Cassie: Think quietly.
Ms Stock: [on the phone to her daughter Abigail] Yes?... No... No, I don't care who's going, Abigail, you failed to comply with my wishes regarding parties and carpets were damaged!... Stop crying!... I am not an "expletive bitch", I am your mother! Have you taken your medication?... Well, take it now. Now!
Tony: You stink.
Sid: I didn't have time.
Tony: Time? I've been home, showered, done my Chi, had a wank, subtly undermined my dad, put new clothes on and here I am, with my English coursework.
Sid: English coursework? [in dismay] Oh fuck...
Tony: You know, Sid, sometimes I wonder why you even bother to get up in the morning. You're such a complete and total fucking waste of time and... [angered, Cassie discreetly nudges her plate, spilling Sid's Coca Cola on Tony's trousers] Ah, shit!
Cassie: Wow, Tony. Bummer, It looks like you pissed yourself.
Tony: [furiously] That's not supposed to fucking happen!
[There is laughter from Anwar's table]
Anwar: Look at Tony, man! [laughing] Ah shit man!
Posh Kenneth: Raas blood, white boy gone piss himself up, you get me! Mandem's sick stains! Hey cuz! Yo got serious stains! Him cream up his pussy good style!
[Tony gets up and assaults Posh Kenneth]
Cassie: I'm a bad person. [Sid smiles and nods]
Tony: [sulkily, to Sid] Come on.
[Tony is drying his pants in the staff locker room]
Angie: [walking out of the shower half-naked] Tony, this is a room for female staff...!
Tony: Yeah, the dryer's broken in ours.
Sid: [walking in] Oh, there you are. Jesus, we're in trouble. That crazy fucking dealer found us Tony—hi, Angie [Angie uses her hands to cover her breasts]—I mean, we gotta do something, you could talk to him... oh, fuck!
Chris: [walking in] Aw, you wankers, that was well funny, man! I bet someone's going to have to apologise because Kenneth's crying now so he... [realises Angie is staring at him] Oh, Jesus Christ, that's Angie, Mary mother of God, that's Angie! Don't look, get out!
Angie: For fuck's sake, fuck off! [after the boys leave] Ah, I still got it.
Cassie: This guy from my group therapy's got your ID card. He's a crazy fuck and he hates you because you cheated him.
Sid: What's his name?
Cassie: He likes to be called Mad.
Sid: Twatter?
Cassie: Yeah, totally. What did you do?
Sid: I bought some dope on the tick and lost it in the harbour, and... oh, fuck!

Jal [1.3]

Michelle: You, girl, need to learn a few tricks.
Jal: Like what?
Michelle: Like looking good, it's what I do.
Jal: It isn't all you do.
Michelle: Yeah, it is. You play clarinet and I look shaggable.
[All the guys at the table are staring at Jal's breasts]
Jal: For Christ's sake! Stop Looking at them!
Maxxie: Oh, sorry Jal. Well, they're out aren't they?
Jal: [to Maxxie] You're gay!
Maxxie: [enchanted] Yeah... [snaps back to normal] I mean, yeah. Of course.
Jal: [to Anwar] You're supposed to respect womens' bodies, Muslim boy!
Anwar: I'm respecting. Believe me, I'm respecting.
Jal's Father: [into a microphone, spoken word] I'm inspired—I'm offline, a renegade, disturbing the peace while I'm spitting a serenade. All this tension, miscomprehension. I'm informed and on the level that I might mention that when I scream it's just passion. I ain't angry at culture, I ain't angry at fashion. And I might sound spiteful if I feel shit's epidemic; I admit that some is soul and some is academic. I've been doing this forever, so why're you choosing now? Turning your face away is a punch in the gut—Pow! So swing a rhyme of time, like the daft sing of love, so keep your peace. 'Cause I've got kin, I've got skin to think of.

Chris [1.4]

Chris: [attempting to return a stereo] Look, man, I bought it yesterday, and I remember you! Very good... face for memorising. So yeah, I bought it from you and you were chuffed to sell it.
[The shop assistant opens the CD drawer]
Shop assistant: There's a pop tart in the CD drawer.
[A squatter shoves a naked Chris out of his own house after they fought]
Squatter: Listen, take a while, calm down, maybe take a day or two and then we'll talk about it, alright?
Chris: It's my fucking house!
Squatter: I don't make the rules, man, I don't make the rules.
Junkyard Man: [buying Chris' stereo] How do you want it? Powder, pills or cash?
Chris: Cash.
Junkyard Man: [counting out money] 10, 15, 20, job done.
Chris: Fuck it, let's have a look at these pills, then.
Jal: You try it: no mum, no dad, all on your own.
Tony Stonem: Sounds brilliant to me.

Sid [1.5]

Mark Jenkins: Oh yes, my boy, we're going to this my way, you hear me!? The gravy train has terminated, terminated, you little fucker. Did Tony fail this?
Sid: No.
Mark: Of course! And why, why didn't he fail it?
Sid: He doesn't take History.
Mark: Right! [beat] You are going to get something, something right, if it's the last thing I ever do! What's your next class?
Sid: Drama.
Mark: Right. Drama. Home. Coursework. Fucking perfection. Or else.
Sid: Why are you talking in very short sentences?
Mark: Emphasis! Drama! Fuck off.
Tony: Change. It's a wonderful thing. Look, you know how subatomic particles don't obey physical laws? They act according to chance, chaos, coincidence. They run into each other in the middle of the universe somewhere and bang! Energy! We're the same as that. That's the great thing about the universe: unpredictable. That's why it's so much fun.
Cassie: I've been waiting. Where were you?
Sid: I was out.
Cassie: Who with?
Sid: Michelle.
Cassie: Michelle? Wow!
Sid: Listen, Cass, I've had a bit of a bad nigh—[is interrupted by Cassie]
Cassie: Michelle's so lovely! [singsong] Michelle... my girl. [Rapidly] I love her, I love her, I love her! So hey, wow! Fuck you, Sid! [Sid tries to protest] Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [Cassie shoots her toy water gun at Sid's face then breaks down in tears] I'm going home.
[Sid tries to stop her from leaving so he can explain]
Cassie: [kissing Sid] It's your choice, everything is your choice. [whispers] Wake up, Sid.
Chris: Everything you could ever want from an evening. Songs, choir girls, colourful costumes, fellatio... rabbits.
Maxxie: Rabbits?
Chris: Don't ask.

Maxxie and Anwar [1.6]

[Anwar gets out of the Russian interrogation room]
Anwar: Now what?
Angie: Walk on.
Anwar: Fine. It's just that they look so disappointed that I'm not a terrorist.
Tony: Well you are a very dull Muslim. Very dull indeed.
Maxxie: Anwar's decided to become a Muslim.
Sid: What, like more Muslim than he was already?
Maxxie: A bit more Muslim, yeah.
Tony: What happened?
Maxxie: Well, he’s just like, switched about me being, you know-
Tony: Blond?
Maxxie: No.
Tony: Short?
Maxxie: Gay!
Maxxie: Anwar's a fucking liar! Lies to his mum all the fucking time! No, no, no, fuck that. He makes me lie for him.
Valentina: Who is Anwar?
Maxxie: ... a friend.
Valentina: Who is homo?
Maxxie: Me! Anwar hates me 'cause I'm a fucking homo!
Valentina: Anwar hate homo?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: Anwar is friend?
Maxxie: Yeah.
Valentina: So, Anwar is problem! No, Maxxie... Valentina help Maxxie?
Maxxie: Yeah, yeah, thank you.
Valentina: Maxxie help Valentina?
Angie: I don't have sex with my 17 year-old students!
Chris Miles: How old are they normally?
Sid: [to himself] Every time. Every fucking time. "Buy three ounces of weed, Sidney." Oh yes, sir. "Shove a bag of pills up your ass, Sidney." Oh, right away. "Come help me save some random bint." Oh, could I? What have we learned, Sidney? Your friends are shitheads.
Russian Housekeeper: What is problem?
Maxxie: You won't understand. I mean you can't even speak English.
Russian Housekeeper: No problem. Vodka.

Michelle [1.7]

[Chris has just seen Michelle act coldly to Tony and Tony getting slapped]
Chris Miles: Jesus, Sid, are you going to tell me what's going on? It's like a fucking episode of The O.C. in here!
Jal: 'Shell what happened?
Michelle: [crying] Never mind!
Jal: Never mind? Did he screw someone again?
Michelle: Again?
Jal: I tried to tell you 'Shell.
Michelle: About who?
Jal: But you never wanna hear it.
Michelle: About who, for Christ's sakes!?
Jal: Jenny, Mags, Kelly, White Justine, Black Justine, Bucksy from the Geography trip, the posh girl from the choir...
[Tony is outside Michelle's house throwing pebbles at her window]
Tony: 'Shell! 'Shell! Hey, Nips! [reciting Shakespeare] It is the east and Juliet is the sun. Arise fair sun and kill the envious moon who is already sick and pale with grief.
[Sid approaches Tony]
Sid: Why don't you just leave her alone for a bit?
Tony: Sidney?
Sid: She thinks you're a tit.
Tony: She doesn't think I'm a tit.
Sid: Why do you pull all this shit, Tony?
Tony: Look around Sidney. Fuck all ever happens in this shitty little town. You've gotta improvise.
Sid: No matter who you hurt?
Tony: So I messed around with Maxxie a bit. So what? He was bored, I was bored, Michelle was bored, and now we're not. And she's gonna feel so good when she gets me back.
Sid: You sure?
Tony: Don't be such a dildo, Sid. 'Course she will. [continues reciting Shakespeare] It is my lady! O, it is my love! O that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that? Her eye discourses it. I will answer it.
[Sid violently punches Tony in the face, knocking him down, and leaves]
Tony: [in shock] Sid? You see, Sidney? Now you're getting it! Now you're getting it!
[Tony struggles to regain his confidence, but eventually throws the stone away and leaves, visibly shaken by Sid's punch]
'[Mark catches Sid and Michelle in a compromising situation]
Mark: Sid, have you got a razor I can borrow? [Looks astonished at what meets him]
Sid: It's OK, Dad. Michelle's just a bit upset.
[Nervously, he offers a thumbs-up and leaves]
Mark: Finally! [calls his wife] Liz... Yeah. [Excitedly] Hey listen. It's conclusive! He's not gay!
Maxxie: I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it 'cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he'd give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn't mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I'm really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?

Effy [1.8]

Effy: Sometimes I think I was born backwards, you know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate...
[Sid and Tony are rushing to Effy's rescue]
Sid: Hang on, you want to nick my dad's car? Why can't we nick your dad's instead?
Tony: Because, Sid, my dad has central locking, sophisticated alarm system, and probably thinks a spell in prison would do me good. Whereas your dad has a 20 year-old car, neighbourhood watch, and won't prosecute.
Tony: Effy's different, I sort of own her, 'cause she's my sister. But with you... I just really wanted you there. Then you were, in the car.
Sid: Thing is, Tony, you sort of own me too. Mostly in a good way.
[Anthea and Jim are accusing Tony of giving Effy drugs]
Anthea: I suppose we should congratulate you for getting her clean drugs.
Tony: You think this was me?
Anthea: She was with you.
Tony: I wasn't. I was...
Jim: Don't deny it.
Anthea: Tony, she's your little sister.
Tony: I know. I know. But listen, for a second...
Anthea: No. I've had enough of listening to you. We all have. You and your horrid little ways, always at other people's expense.
Sid: Hang on. That's enough.
Anthea: What!?
Sid: He loves Effy. Don't you think this is hard enough?
Jim: And who the fuck are you?
Sid: I'm his best friend!
Jim: And I'm his fucking father!
Sid: [coldly] I know what you are. [pause] Come on, Tony, we're going. [gets up]

Series Finale [1.9]

Sid: [writing a letter] Cassie, I don't care if you think you're odd, because I feel like singing when I see you. And you're beautiful. And I've been such a fucking chapstick this past few weeks. And all I want to do this morning is sit on top of Brandon Hill and hold you, and tell you how wonderful you are... and stick my hand down your knickers. [thinks, crosses this out]
[Concurrently]
Cassie: [writing a letter] Dear Sid, it isn't easy to tell you this, so that's why I'm writing. Don't try to ring me, because you're not allowed to here, and anyway I don't want to speak to you. And there's nothing you can say to change this. My mom and dad decided that things aren't working out, so I'm moving to a place called Elgin. It's in Scotland, and everyone's happy there. They're coming for me tonight, and then I'll be gone and we won't have to play this silly game anymore. I want you to know that I really liked you, Sid. But... it's too late now. Goodbye.
Maxxie: I'm gay, Mr. Kharrel. I always have been.
Mr. Kharrel: It's a fucking stupid messed up world. I've got my God. He speaks to me everyday. Somethings I just can't work out so I leave them be, okay? Even if I think they're wrong, because I know someday he'll make me understand. I've got that trust. It's called belief. I'm a lucky man.
Sid: Tony you're my best friend, but I really don't know what the fuck you're on about most of the time... do you think that matters?
Tony: Sidney, I think on balance... it helps.
Tony: Just you and me, sis.
Effy: Fucking wanker.
Tony: Eff, what are you talking about?
Effy: Michelle.
Tony: I tried.
Effy: No. Wanker.
Tony: I said sorry!
Effy: Wanker.
Tony: Effy. I liked it better when you didn't talk.
Effy: [pause] Wanker.

Series 2

Tony and Maxxie [2.1]

[Dale crashes into Maxxie and they roll together down the hill. Dale kisses Maxxie who eventually pushes him off, and they roll down even more with Dale ending up straddling Maxxie]
Dale: Sent them the other way.
Maxxie: Fucking cake. I should've knew it when I saw the hundreds and thousands.
Dale: Lemon Drizzle. It's a piece of piss.
Maxxie: Dale, you can't just treat me like shit and then just... just... ah, fuck it.
[Maxxie draws Dale down for another kiss]
[Maxxie's dad Walter walks past Tony, Chris and Jal]
Walter: Hello, Tony, Chris, funny name.

Sketch [2.2]

[In a costume party Michelle, dressed as Princess Leia, has ran into Tony who is dressed as Luke Skywalker and Abigail also as Leia]
Tony: Hi, Michelle.
Michelle: You dressed as Luke. For her.
Tony: Well, I guess I... did I?
Michelle: Tony, you... [walks away]
[Maxxie and Anwar are watching]
Anwar: You think either of them has actually seen Star Wars? You reckon they know Luke's her brother?
Cassie: I've had my pain, Jal, yours is in the post.

Sid [2.3]

Chris: Four months without sex that ain't funny. But you probably wouldn't understand that, Jal.
Jal: Huh?
Chris: Well you don't have sex at all, do you? You have clarinet lessons.
Alex: [sneering] Cannae hold onto your woman, eh?
[Mark hits breaking point]
Mark: Fuck off out of my house you miserable Scottish cunt.
Alex: [in disbelief] You... You, you... what!?
Mark: I know what your game is, Alex. It's a fucking good yin. But I'm no' buying it, you got me?
Sid: Dad?
Mark: It's okay, Sid. They're all leaving! Right now! [Alex looks shocked]

Michelle [2.4]

Anna Richardson: [taking a box marked "Fragile" from a delivery man] This one's mine.
[The bottom of the box falls open and reveals several sex toys]
Delivery man: Buggering hell!
[Anna sighs and picks up a lemon-squeezer]
Anna: This one's actually a lemon squeezer!
Delivery man: Thank Christ for that...
Sid: [getting up] Anyways, we should get the tents up. [helps Michelle up] Gimme a hand getting them off the..
[They see that the tents are missing from the car roof]
Sid: ...Roof?
[Cut to the gang advancing on Chris]
Chris: Look, it's not my fault!
Jal: I told you to tie the tents to the roof!
Chris: No, no, no, you said to put the stuff on the roof! Nobody said anything about tying!
Maxxie: You meader, Chris!
Sid: [As Anwar pushes Chris] What did you think was holding them up there, you muppet?!
Michelle: Where the fuck are we gonna sleep!?
Chris: I'm sorry! [pause] Fuck it, I'm inadequate. What can you do?
Jal: This! [reaches out and crushes his testicles]
Sid: Oh, that's gotta hurt.

Chris [2.5]

College principal: [to Chris] I'll cut to the chase. We've no coursework from you and the exams are about to start. You're a shit student and your inevitably shit results will affect my averages and I'll be swimming in a river of shit and I didn't pack a snorkel.
Chris: Right, I've been to the job centre yeah, and they're a bit.. well they're all fuc—
Josie: Fuddy-duddies.
Chris: Yeah! Yeah, they are fuddy-duddies! Right, they're like, "just queue up here, fill in this box here, don't steal that. Right, it's a load of cra—"
Josie: Cranberry juice. [offers Chris a carton] Would you want...?
Chris: Thanks. Anyway, there's this one lady there, I've never met such a big fat bit—
Josie: Biscuit. [offers Chris a jar] Do you want a biscuit?
[Chris takes a biscuit and eats it]
Josie: How can I help?
Chris: Well, I'm thinking, seeing as you're a careers officer...
[Josie thinks heavily]
Chris: ...I thought.. you could... you know...
[Josie still thinking heavily]
Chris: ...help me get a job.
Josie: Oh yeah! Totally!
Chris: Yeah!? Fucking ace!
[Josie points to a sign that says "Be daring, try to express yourself without swearing."]
Josie: [quietly] Chris, stop swearing...
Chris: So I told him he was a pitty boss and a pastard, and he could pucking shove his pucked polo up his packside! Stupid prick!
Josie: I think one slipped through there Chris...
Chris: [thinks] Stupid punt.
Cassie: [maniacally, while peeling an apple with a carving knife] Chris and Jal... Jal and Chris... more couples! More and more couples! [staring at the knife] Have you ever been in love?
Jal: I don't think so...
Cassie: [smiling] Do you want me to describe it to you?
Jal: [nervously] Okay...
Cassie: Do you remember when you rode with me in the ambulance after I tried to kill myself?
Jal: Of course.
Cassie: That's what love feels like.
[Cassie puts her knife down and examines her apple. Jal discreetly hides the knife]
Chris' boss: Can I have a word?
[Chris acquiesces. Simultaneously, Chris' colleague Jon completes a sale and begins a loud and over-exaggerated celebration. The noise can be clearly heard in the manager's office]
Chris' boss: It's just that, you've not sold anything yet. You've been here a while now.
Chris: No, no, I understand.
Chris' boss: If there's anything I can do to help...
Chris: [referring to Jon] Muzzle, maybe?
Chris' boss: [laughs, then adopts a serious manner] He does sell properties, son.
Cassie: Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before... try and keep that feeling, because... if it goes... you'll never get it back.
Chris: What happens then?
Cassie: You lay waste to the world... and everything in it.

Tony [2.6]

Tony: Animus... It means spirit, courage, passion, wrath. This is mine.
Professor: Who the fucking hell do you think you are?
Tony: I'm a bad dream, mate. I'm you before you shrivelled and died. And I don't wanna go where you've been. So in answer to your earlier question, you should've given me a place here. I'd have been the best student you'd ever had.

Effy [2.7]

Pandora: I'm useless. That's why I'm here.
Madame de Luca: [pause] How perceptive you are.
Pandora: [stoned] Hi mum. No, I'm fine, I'm super duper fine! Yep, I'm with my friends and they're like so fucking amazing. Well, I guess I'm looking at Tony's cock, but he can't tell. See ya! [Tony looks more uncomfortable as she keeps on staring]
Doorman: What do you think?
Tony: [flicking through a book manuscript] Oh yes, excellent. But... [pauses while the doorman admits two girls into the nightclub]
Doorman: But?
Tony: The character arcs are immaculately achieved with a good degree of stylistic control. I especially like the doorman with superpowers; vaporising Reeboks? Very nice. [the doorman laughs] But you need to move the climatic development back, so the orgy scene comes before the disembowelling of the Elvic horde. See?
[The doorman takes back the manuscript and flicks through it. He pauses for a second, then has an epiphany]
Doorman: That's it! You've solved it! Oh, have a good one mate. [gives Tony a lollipop and admits him into the nightclub]
Effy: [About Sid's drawing] "Loser" isn't an emotion.
Sid: It is to me. You think it's shit, don't you?
Effy: Yes.
Sid: I used four biros. And I bought them. [takes them out] Four. You owe me 79 pence.
[Effy gets up and starts to undress]
Sid: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Effy, what're you doing?
Effy: [undressing] I'm going out. You've got 24 hours, Sid, to produce something that doesn't look like coursework for GCSE spaz. [crosses over to her cupboard and takes out a pallet, paint and brush] Dip your brush in that, and don't even think of leaving this room until you've done it. [sits down on the bed in her underwear]
Sid: Listen, I don't think this is working out, yeah? Right, shall we just leave it, okay? I quit.
[Effy begins bouncing on her bed and making groaning noises]
Sid: [realising what she's doing] All right. All right! I'm doing it.
[Sid begins painting, while Effy puts her dress on]
Cassie: [acidly] What do you want, Sid?
Sid: I want you to stop what you're doing, okay? You know: fucking around, fucking anything that moves. Just stop it!
Cassie: You started it!
Sid: I don't care, I don't care! You're cruel! I hate you!
Cassie: I hate you right back. Why don't you pop over to Michelle's and give her one? [mock surprise] Oh, another one!
Sid: [annoyed] Just give it a fucking rest, okay? You know, it's you and me. You know that, and you're being stupid!
Cassie: My turn!
Sid: You went away! Why did you go away? You know, I needed you, and you pissed off! My dad said... he said you're special, but you're not! You're just slutting around like a spoilt kid!
Cassie: [singsong] Michelle, Sid, Michelle!
Sid: I don't love Michelle! I never loved Michelle, I love you, but you—[sits down and cries] God, where were you? My dad fucking died. [Cassie looks more concerned and guilty] I needed you. I mean, Michelle?... We had great sex for three days and guilty sex for the rest. So what? I don't care! I did it. I hate you. [gets up to leave] Fine, fuck fifteen year olds. Whatever. I'm sick of saying sorry. I love you. You say sorry.
Cassie: [starting to cry] I didn't fuck him [Effy's friend], Sid. His mum had sewn his name into his trousers, and, well, he got a bit excited. And he squashed my slug. My slug called Sidley. So I threw him out.
[Sid and Cassie kiss]
Chris :[Chris walks in] Look, if he's still bothering you, Cass,- [seeing them kiss] Oh... okay. Smokin'!
[Effy is talking to her art teacher, Madame de Luca, about her GCSE coursework.]
Effy: [Referring to her efforts in getting Tony and Michelle, and Sid and Cassie back together] It's finished.
Madame de Luca: Oh? Splendid. And what emotion have you depicted?
Effy: Anger. Jealousy. Bitterness. Tiredness. Hope. Lust. Love.
Madame de Luca: A veritable feast. So, where is it?
Effy: It's everywhere.
Madame de Luca: My dear girl, I'm not sure I understand.
Effy: It's conceptual. You just can't see it.
Madame de Luca: You're saying you haven't done it.
Effy: No. I'm saying you can't see it.
Madame de Luca: Well, I'm not quite sure that's going to work for the Anglo–Welsh GCSE board now, is it?
Effy: No. I guess they'll just have to expel me. [grins mischievously] Goodbye, Madame de Luca.

Jal [2.8]

Cassie: [to Jal] You can put any face behind a mask.

Cassie [2.9]

Cassie: Okay. What do you have to say to me?
Sid: Erm... I'm sorry I'm such a tit?
Cassie: [smiles] No.
Sid: My life never made any sense to me until I met you?
Cassie: No.
Sid: Um... I never really loved Michelle, and it was a terrible mistake. And I must have misheard her when she said that I was the best lay ever, and she really really wasn't that great in bed?
Cassie: [slightly disturbed] No.
Sid: [what she wants dawns on him] Good luck in your exam.
Cassie: I'll love you forever, Sid.
Sid: You will?
Cassie: Yes. That's the problem.
Lawes: Ah, love. Why cut yourself when you can be in love?
Cassie: [talking to Sid in her bedroom] I don't know why I am the way I am.
Sid: It's alright.
Cassie: No, it's not alright. Something makes me hate everything. Everything. [happily] That's what I like about you, Sid. You never try to explain things.

Everyone [2.10]

Michelle: I'm not saying forget about him [Chris], because you can't and you shouldn't. He was special. But I, I just think... Fuck it.
Jal: What?
Michelle: Like Chris. He said fuck it, I'll do it my way. And the people that love me will understand why I'm doing it because they love me.
Jal: I've been thinking about what Chris would have wanted me to say today. The advice he'd give me, which'd be something like, "Know what, babe? Fuck it. These guys know all about me. Tell them about someone else." So I thought I'd tell you about a hero of Chris's: a man called Captain Joe Kittinger. In 1960, climbing into a foil balloon, Captain Joe ascended 32 kilometres into the stratosphere. And then, armed only with a parachute, he jumped out. He fell for four minutes and thirty-six seconds, reaching seven hundred and forty miles per hour before opening his parachute five kilometres above the Earth. It had never been done before, and it's never been done since. He did it just because he could. And that's why Chris loved him; because the thing about Chris was, he said yes. He said yes to everything. He loved everyone. And he was the bravest boy— man—I knew. And that was—he flung himself out of a foil balloon every day. Because he could. Because he was. And that's why—and that's why we loved him.
Sid: The three of us. Together again. And we've all seen each other naked. [Michelle laughs a bit then looks disgusted] Which is... nice.
Sketch: [About Anwar's two E's and a U grades] What grades did you need?
[Anwar looks at her as if she's stupid]
Sketch: Have you ever played the five-year test?
Anwar: What? No, I don't think so. It's not that wanking game, is it?
Sketch: [chuckling at that last remark] Maxxie. Where do you think he'll be in five years time?
Anwar: Easy. Dancing in a London show.
Sketch: Jal?
Anwar: Playing the clarinet in some really good orchestra.
Sketch: Michelle?
Anwar: Working some slick jobs in some fine suits.
Sketch: Now you? Where do you see yourself in five years?
[Anwar is silent]
Sketch: You haven't thought about it, have you?
Sid: Where are we going, Tone?
Tony: Oh... yeah. [hands Sid an envelope]
Sid: What's this?
Tony: Open it.
[Sid opens the envelope to find his passport and a plane ticket]
Sid: New York? Why would I want to go to New York?
Tony: She's thin. She's blonde. She says [spacey] "wow!" a lot.

Series 3

Everyone [3.1]

[The new characters introduce themselves]
Pandora: I'm Pandora. I'm useless.
JJ: I'm JJ. With regard to mathematic aptitude I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles.
Katie: I'm Katie. I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven.
Emily: I'm Emily. Never had a boyfriend.
Naomi: I'm Naomi. I hate injustice. People tell lies about me.
Effy: I'm Effy and I think my mum's having an affair.
Freddie: I'm Freddie. I met a girl I liked today. She's like beautiful. That's it.
[Effy and Pandora see how Emily looks at her sister]
Effy: [to herself, understanding] You hate her.
Pandora: Who do I hate?
Effy: [beat] I'll let you know.

Cook [3.2]

Cook: Want to know a secret?
Naomi: What?
Cook: I know the cure.
Naomi: Cure for what?
Cook: [whispers] It's my cock.

Thomas [3.3]

[Thomas has just prevented two children from attacking a shopkeeper]
Thomas Tomone: What is this "paki" they call you... is it bad?
Shopkeeper: I'm from Delhi... and I hate Pakis!
[Thomas runs into Emily]
Thomas: Which are you?
Emily: Gay... I mean Emily!

Pandora [3.4]

Pandora: [running off] Come on! We can do brownies and then lick our bowls out.
Katie: Do you think she knows she sounds filthy half the time?
Effy: Sometimes I wonder.
Mrs. Moon: Effy! We meet at last!
Effy: Yes.
Mrs. Moon: Pandora's told me so much about you.
Pandora: You know, Eff, your missionary work.
Effy: Yes, I try to do as much of that as I can.
Mrs. Moon: That's good. There're so many bad things in life: boys, and drugs, guns, alcohol...boys. Evil things. I'm glad Pandora's found a channel she can pool her energy into.
Effy: Well, yes, all the seamen like her.
Mrs. Moon: [beat, stops smiling] Seamen?
Effy: Yes, loads of seamen. Some of them are homeless as well. We'd all love to see Pandora get her own missionary position.
Mrs. Moon: [uncertain] Right...Sounds lovely.
Mrs. Moon: Bet you like playing monster in the dark.
Effy: Looking forward to it.
JJ: If Freddie was here...
Cook: Do you see Freddie? Did we invite Freddie?
JJ: No...
Cook: And why didn't we invite him?
JJ: Because he's a fun sponge.
Cook: You got it
Naomi: So what do you want Ems? Pinot Grigio or... cider oblivion?
Emily: Anything, just give me a fucking... just give me a...
[They kiss]
Naomi: Oh. It's only the drugs, right?
[They kiss again]
Emily: You liked that. [Naomi nods]
Naomi: You're gay.
Emily: Yes.
[JJ has witnessed the entire scene]
JJ: Oh my giddy, giddy, giddy... aunt.
Effy: Any good?
Pandora: I dunno what you mean.
Effy: I mean he's a sensational fuck, yeah.
Pandora: There's a whamma lot of things you don't know about me, Eff. Just because I'm useless don't mean that I'm nothing.
Effy: We're friends because you don't surf and turf my men. You said that.
Pandora: He's not yours, Eff. He never belonged to anyone.
Effy: Shut up.
Pandora: That's why you don't really want him.
Effy: Shut up!
Pandora: He's not the one you want, Eff! See, I know that because I'm your friend but you don't make enough effort, Eff! I'm just there to laugh at. You don't know me. My life, my family, my mum. Why don't you know anything about my mum? I know everything about yours.
Effy: ...You're right. I don't know anything about your mum.
Pandora: Sorry, okay.
Effy: Yeah. [pause] Oh Jesus.
Pandora: What?
Effy: Be careful what you wish for, Pandora.
Pandora: Why?
Thomas: Panda! Panda! [Pandora turns around] Panda! Panda, look I'm here. Panda, it's me. Are you not glad to see me? Mother said I could come back. What's wrong?
Effy: Don't be a twat, Thomas, give your girlfriend a hug.
[Thomas does so as Effy walks away]
Pandora: [crying] I missed you, I missed you too much.

Freddie [3.5]

Effy: I wanted to see what was in your shed.
Freddie: My...?
Effy: Shed. Everyone says you have a marvellous shed.
Freddie: Everyone?
Effy: Yeah, it's marvelled at.
[They enter the shed]
Freddie: So this is it.
Effy: So what do you and the boys do in here? Braid each others hair and play soggy biscuit?
Freddie: No. [beat] Not for ages.
Cook: You coming, Eff? You soon will be.
Effy: I'd sooner fuck JJ.
JJ: I know that isn't intended as a compliment, but...I'm going to take it as one anyway.
Cook: You didn't get it. I said, "Are you coming, Eff? You soon will be."
Effy: I got it. Freddie and JJ got it. That termite over there got it. But you're not going to get it. Got it?
Cook: Now I'm confused.
Effy: I'm not going anywhere near your Crayola dick. I know where it's been.
[Karen is sulking after losing her competition. Cook has arrived, celebrating her loss]
Cook: Bad luck, Karen. In the competition, like. But you know, what goes around, comes around. How much did you lose by again? 15 votes? Well, that's funny. 'Cos... That's about how many people were in Keith's pub tonight.
Freddie: [catching his drift] You voted against her?
Cook: [smugly] Not just me. Everyone in there. JJ even.
JJ: Cook, don't...
Karen: [indignant] You fucking did what!?
Cook: You took my shed, I took your competition. Fair's fair.
Karen: You little shit, you ugly little bastard!!! [attacks him]
[During a fairly uninspiring English lesson]
Naomi: Hamlet's basically a teenage boy. He's got all these desires, but he doesn't have the bottle to reach out for them. So, he goes mad, and wanks off about Ophelia, and ends up so boring, somebody has to kill him!
Josie: I'm not sure that's right. There's no wanking in Hamlet.
Naomi: Yeah, there is. Loads. Only they call it "soliloquising".
Freddie: We'd be good together. Don't you think?
Effy: No.
Freddie: Why?
Effy: Because I'll break your heart.
Freddie: Maybe I'll break yours.
Effy: Nobody breaks my heart. And anyway, why would I want that?
Anthea: You may as well take them, they'll only end up in cunting Oxfam!
Jim: [Shouting] Don't you dare use "cunt" and "Oxfam" in the same sentence!

Naomi [3.6]

Cook: Come on, Naomikins. You want it, I want it. Let's get together and feel alright.
Naomi: You couldn't make me "alright" if you stapled your tongue to my clit and stood in a cement mixer.

[Emily and Naomi stand by a lake. Emily starts to take her shirt off.]

Naomi: I didn't bring a swimming costume.
Emily: Neither did I. [when Naomi makes no move to undress] Sun won't shine forever.
Naomi: Someone might be looking!
Emily: Honey, your body ain't that special.
Emily: I can just see it now, in lights, "Naomi, get to know me".
Naomi: I thought it was quite catchy.
Emily: Yeah, well so's AIDS.


Emily: I'm not gonna open the door. My face is all puffy. I've been crying a bit.
Naomi: I don't care. [sits on the doorstep]
[Emily sits on the other side of the door]
Naomi: I do... want someone, need someone. You were right.
Emily: And?
Naomi: And when I'm with you, I feel like I'm a better person. I feel happier, less... alone. Less lonely.
[Emily puts her hand through the cat flap to hold Naomi's]
Naomi: But it's not as simple as that is it? Being with someone?
Emily: Isn't it?
Naomi: No...I mean, I don't know...I mean I don't think so. Can't we just sit like this, for a bit?
Emily: Yeah, we can... for a bit.

JJ [3.7]

Effy: Come on, JJ. Don't be pathetic, it's easy. Just tell me something true. Tell me. Tell me now.
JJ: I love you.
Effy: [smiling] Well everybody loves me.
JJ: That's a relief.
[JJ accidentally walks in on a semi-naked Effy. They both scream]
Effy: JJ!? What-the-fuck!? What the fuck!?
JJ: [gabbling] Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Effy: Give me my t-shirt, fucking hopeless perv.
JJ: [fumbling for her t-shirt] I'm sorry, I...I... The door was open. I...
Effy: JJ!
JJ: I...I... I got worried.
Effy: [taking her shirt and slipping it on] About what?
JJ: I... I dunno, I mean, I thought I might've... I dunno, okay. [angrily] I was pissed at the two of you.
Effy: Two of who?
JJ: I heard what you were saying! I want you to stop doing that -
Effy: [enquiringly] JJ? What the fuck?
JJ: You and Cook.
Effy: [confused] I haven't seen him for days.
JJ: Yeah? Well don't... Don't diss me while you're having sexual intercourse, because... Because you might think it's funny, but I... [realising what she said] Sorry!? [In horror, as he realises Cook was having sex with someone else] Uh oh. [Effy approaches] Uh oh!
Effy: JJ, are you gonna give me some fucked up hint what you're talking about?
JJ: I... I... I usually drink mango juice when I get overstressed!
[JJ, Karen and Emily have walked on Freddy having sex with Katie]
Karen': Now, does everybody know each other?
Freddie: Ah, that's just great. Thanks a lot, Karen.
Emily: For Christ's sake, Katie, what're you doing?
Katie: [Sarcastically] I'm doing the Great fucking Northern Run! What does it look like I'm doing!?
Freddie: Guys, could we please just—
Emily: Katie, why didn't you tell me?
Katie: Oh, I'm sorry, maybe my postal application hasn't reached you yet. Now, do you mind? We're sort of in the middle of something.
JJ: [stammering] Oh, but that's not right! You want Eff, and she's not—
Katie: [interrupting] It's a free country, JJ. Hey, maybe my weirdo sister's up for it.
JJ: No, that's ridiculous, Emily's gay. [This disclosure hits Katie like a physical blow, while Emily looks dismayed] Anyway, I wanted to talk to you, Freds, but we can do this another time...
[Stops as he realises the impact of his disclosure]
JJ: Uh oh...
Katie: [Aghast] That's not true! Is it, Ems? Because you promised me that wasn't true. [Emily leaves on the verge of tears]

Effy [3.8]

Anthea: Love, she's gone.
Cook: Ok, what time's she back?
Anthea: Not till tomorrow. They've gone to some party at Gobbler's End.
Cook: Nah, because... we're supposed to hang out tonight!
Anthea: Is that before you broke up or after?
Cook: But... I bought a fucking gâteau! Black Forest!
Anthea: Ooh, my favourite. [Takes cake and shuts the door]
Pandora: Relationships just can't stay the same, can they? Can't always be lovely and lush and not full of weird silences all the time. People can't always be perfect, 'cause that's not real, is it? It's not real 'cause things change. Don't they?
Cook: [to Freddie] What do you want, my fucking blood? Cos' you've fucking taken everything else! You've taken fucking JJ, and now you're nicking her as well! [Freddie looks confused] She hasn't told you has she? Fuck me! I'm so glad I didn't miss this!
Katie: What's going on?
Cook: Effy doesn't want me anymore, do you princess?
Effy: No.
Cook: You're all such whizzer chums, aren't you? Ain't that right, Eff? Ain't that right, Panda? Panda's been worried lately Eff, says you dont't see each other as much as you used to. That right, Panda, yeah? I said to her, "Cupcake, maybe if you didn't spend as much time with my cock in your mouth..."—
Pandora: Shut up, shut up, shut up! [grabs Thomas' arm] Thomas, let's go.
Thomas: Stop. It's fine. I know.
Effy: Wait. It was one time, right? Your party? [desperately] It was only once, right?! [Pandora cries] I need to sit down.
Cook: [to Thomas] Umm... sorry slugger. I don't think you heard. Me fucked your girlfriend, like, multiple times.
Thomas: What do you want me to say?
Cook: I don't want you to say anything. Hit me. C'mon, c'mon, hit me!
Thomas: You're just a sad little boy. [turns away]
Pandora: Thomas, please. I stopped it. I love you. Just give me a chance—
Thomas: [yelling] No! I have given you chances and you have not taken them! Time and time again you have lied to me! It's too late now. [quieter] I fell in love with this girl... she was good, she was honest... with the doughnuts... Now she's gone, and this new one... I don't like her... she makes my heart hurt.[leaves]

Katie and Emily [3.9]

[The language of twins]
Katie: Sham. [Sorry]
Emily: Huh?
Katie: Katie sham. [I'm sorry]
Emily: Why are you talking Twin? We don't do that anymore.
Katie: Emzy sham doo. [Say you're sorry too]
Emily: Emzy sham. [Sorry]
James Finch: Gordon McPhearson says you call 'em dykes, 'cause you have to stick your finger in 'em.
James Finch: [Walks in on Katie changing] Wow! You're naked, bitch!
Katie: [To Emily] Bumble mumble jimjams! [Kick the shit out of him!]
Emily: I felt like having sex with him. I don't have to ask you!
Katie: Yes you do!
Emily: What?!
Katie: You have to ask me! Katie say-go! Katie say-go! [You have to ask Katie!] Not gay; stupid!
Emily: What do you do someone you love lets you down? Really fucks you over?
Thomas: You must try to stop loving them.
Emily: And is that possible?
Thomas: [Pause] No, I don't think so.
Emily: Katie, I can't stand this. I'm a person. I'm not you.
Katie: I know.
Emily: You have to understand Katie, I love you and I'll never really leave you but I can't fix this. I like girls. No, I like a girl. No, I love her. Okay? I love... her. [points at Naomi] Okay? [Naomi holds her hand out to Emily]
Katie: Okay.
[Emily takes Naomi's hand and they leave the dance]
[Outside]
Naomi: Some party.
Emily: Eventful.
Naomi: Yeah. [pause] I love you too.
Emily: I know.

Everyone [3.10]

Cook Senior: You're too pretty for your own good. That's why you destroy everything you touch.
Effy: Look who's talking.
Cook Senior: I'm Guns N' Roses, love. I got an appetite for destruction.
Effy: You're not his dad, not really.
Cook Senior: And you're not his girlfriend, not really. You're gonna fucking snap that boy's heart in two.
Effy: You've been doing it to him every day of your life.
Anthea Stonem: Are you Effy's friend?
JJ: I think so. Are you her mum?
Anthea: [nods] Can I sit? [sits down] JJ, right? The magician?
JJ: Oh, I used to do magic. Not anymore though.
Anthea: I used to be married, not anymore though.
[JJ draws a deck of cards from his pocket]
JJ: Pick a card, any card.
Anthea: I thought you gave up.
JJ: Some things are quite hard to let go of.
Anthea: Effy likes magic.
JJ: Are you sure?
Anthea: Well yeah, not the, you know, stupid abracadabra sort... I... I'm so sorry.
JJ: It's okay. I've come to terms with the facts.
Anthea: You know, she was four years old the first time she beat me at hide and seek. Four. I was looking for her for hours. When I finally found her she just smiled. You know, that Effy smile that means "you don't know me at all, you never will". See that's a kind of magic. She's so good at concealing things, hiding, avoiding.
JJ: Yeah.
Anthea: I do know her. And I know that she has got so much love in her heart. But the thought of letting it out, showing her cards, scares her to death. I never knew it would be possible to miss someone this much.
JJ: Now let's get down to it. No more evasion. No more "Oooh, I'm really fit and mysterious". Now Freddie: he's in love with you, aren't you Freddie? Aren't you Freddie? [Freddie nods] Cook: he loves you, yes? [Cook looks down] And just for the record, I love you too. And I won the race. So: three boys, one girl. It's an insoluble equation, unless you choose and we can finally get back to our lives.
Freddie: It's all your fault, you made this happen. You made it all a game first, remember that stupid fucking list?
Effy: I know.
Freddie: You know? What sort of fucking answer's that?
Effy: The only one I've got.
Freddie: [to Effy, Cook and JJ] So... what do we do now? [Closing line]

Series 4

Thomas [4.1]

Kosoke Tomone: Who is that?
Pandora: Um, hello Kosoke.
Kosoke Tomone: [to Thomas] You know my rules.
Pandora: It was too late to get home. We're not gonna, you know, do anything.
Kosoke Tomone: Like what?
Pandora: You know...having sex. We're not gonna have sex. We won't do that.
Kosoke Tomone: No?
Pandora: Yeah, I mean, uh, well, we have done stuff, um, possibly, possibly, not those, or, well, maybe you could say those.
Thomas: Okay, maybe you should stop talking now.
Pandora: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God. [under her breath] Bloody Hell.
Kosoke Tomone: Someone tell me please where to find a virgin in this country.
Pandora: [long silence] Uh, well, it's difficult.
Thomas: Is that the answer for everything? To go and get pissed?
Pandora: No, Häagen-Dazs is the answer for everything.
Andrea: Everybody! Jesus says shut up. So, we were just about to sing a song, weren't we? So what shall we sing?
Kid 1: Rihanna!
Kid 2: Lady Gaga!
Kid 3: Béyonce!
Andrea: Those are all people who can't really sing, don't wear very many clothes, and get married far too young. What do we call those sorts of people?
Kids: Americans!
[Thomas' mother is scolding him. He finds it difficult to conceal his rage]
Mother: What do you know about bringing children up? I have given everything to you, all my life. And now you want to tell me what to do? You have no respect! If your father was here, he would beat you—
Thomas: [snaps] My father is dead! And he's of no use to us! [His mother's eyes widen in shock, and he storms out]

Emily [4.2]

Emily: You told Graham that I was straight?
Jenna Fitch: He's known you since he was a little girl!
Emily: He's as gay as a window!
Jenna Fitch: He's an adult, he's earned the right to be gay. You're too young to know what you are.
Effy: How was your summer?
Freddie: Not bad. Got chlamydia.
Effy: Wow! Exotic!
Freddie: That's what I said. But then I realised Cook had it as well, and it didn't feel quite so special.
Effy: I bet it liked you more.
Naomi: [Sophia] stalked me!
Emily: You're very stalkable.
Sophia: [voiceover, as Emily reads her comic] I can't stop crying. I've tried to stop thinking, but it doesn't work. You don't expect stuff to happen; you can't control it, you can't control anything. So I'm at this stupid open day and everyone's snotty and rude and then I see someone. [Sophia meets Naomi: "I recognise someone. I tap her shoulder; she turns and smiles"] I never even spoke to her at Roundview, but it didn't seem to matter because everything got really fun. [Naomi and Sophia on the train: "I had to tell a lie to come here."; "So did I."] And by the time we were on our way home, we were telling secrets, and I wanted to move my hand, I wanted to move it so much. [Sophia holds Naomi's hand] And then she moved hers. I wish I told Naomi how easy it is for me to love someone. We're all lonely and all we want is for someone to... [Naomi and Sophia at Naomi's house: "I feel trapped."; "I know what you mean."] you know, pay attention and tell us we're beautiful... and cute... and say that we want to... [Sophia cries over an animated panel of her and Naomi kissing; Emily finishes reading and cries].
Naomi: [crying] I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
[Sophia's brother takes the comic from Emily and drops it from a high-rise building, and walks past Naomi angrily.]
Emily: You've ruined it. You don't want anyone to care. [Stands up and looks at the road below] I could be dead in a second. Everything's... so... fragile. Didn't you realise that? We were special. [Emily steps down from the ledge and walks past Naomi]
Naomi: I was scared!
Emily: You're always scared.

Cook [4.3]

[Cook is talking with his lawyer]
Cook: Not guilty.
Duncan: James, you did punch the fuck out of Shanky. In front of eighty-three witnesses.
Paddy: Will you go to prison?
Cook: I might.
Paddy: But if you say sorry won't they let you go?
Cook: I'm not sorry.
Paddy: Why?
Cook: Never say sorry, kid.
Paddy: Why?
Cook: Cause you're not a pussy, are you?
Paddy: No.
Cook: We don't play their game, do we? We don't play anyone's game.
Paddy: Except for Rock Band. We can play that.
JJ: You know, love's thoroughly overrated, Panda. I've never even had a girlfriend, look how happy I am... in between minor psychological breakdowns. Sure, all the serotonin, and endorphins, and sex, et cetera, feel good, but really, love? An illusion. It can't last. Nope.

Katie [4.4]

James: I hate KFC.
Katie: What?
James: Elliot Evans' parents got divorced, and his dad spent every night in KFC. Then he met this woman, she had a huge problem. So he tried to help her, and her friend got really angry, and he ended up with only one kneecap. And now, his mum's doing pornos, and his dad's a junkie, and he never sees them! Except on the internet, and then he has to pay for it. I mean, how unfair is that!?
[Katie is bathing, when Thomas comes in to relieve himself, locking the door]
Katie: Oh...
Thomas: Merde! Sorry! [goes to unlock the door, but breaks the lock handle] Ah! Super merde! JJ! Emily! [knocks] JJ! I think they've all gone out.
Katie: Bollocks. You gonna stand there until they get back?
Thomas: Yes, yes, I'll get you a towel and... [sees the towel rack is empty] Putain!
[Katie trips Candy from behind; Candy gets up, pushes Katie]
Candy: Who the fuck do you think you are?
[Katie punches Candy in the nose; Candy falls to the ground again]
Katie: I'm Katie fucking Fitch! Who the fuck are you?
Katie: So what's it like?
Effy: What's what like?
Katie: Love.
Effy: Great. It's really lovely.
Katie: That sounded convincing.
Effy: It's fine. Nothing's ever perfect, you know?
Katie: I thought it could be. I wanted the perfect boyfriend, perfect marriage, perfect everything.
Effy: What's changed?
Katie: Me. I don't know who I am any more.
Effy: I thought you were Katie fucking Fitch.

Freddie [4.5]

T. Love: What would Michael say?
Freddie: Pardon?
T. Love: [motions to his Michael Jackson poster] Michael. What would he say?
Freddie: I'm... bad?
T. Love: Yes. And what else?
Freddie: Beat it?
T. Love: No. He'd say "gotta be startin' somethin'". Okay? [silence] Don't you think you should be leaving?
Freddie: Right now? [Mr. Love responds in the affirmative; Freddie leaves.]
Freddie: Okay. So what do you do when you can't take anyone's shit because I might really fuck things up and you don't know what to do or what's happening you just know that something really fucking bad is going down.
T. Love: Just... [turns to his Michael Jackson poster and stares at it for a while before turning back to Freddie] No. I think, and I'm not sure... I think you've got me there.
Effy: The moment I saw you, I knew it'd be the closest I'd get to being... close. I didn't know what to do with that feeling... happiness.
Freddie: Listen, Effy, you are the closest I'm ever gonna—
Effy: But they know now! And they're hungry. Really fucking hungry. Because for as long as I've known, they've been chasing me and now they're ready, now they're strong enough to break through. And I can't fight them. I used to be able to when I was strong but... you've made me weak. And now I can't, I can't!

Effy [4.7]

Effy: You're no good for me, Cook. You never were.
Cook: If this was us meeting for the first time, I'd do it all again. Everything. The fucks, the fuck ups, everything. I'd do it all again.
Effy: What's that supposed to mean?
Cook: It means I still love you.
Effy: Piss off.
Effy: How's the real world?
Naomi: Fine... well, I don't know actually. Me and Emily, we're all... since... you know... the... and I don't know what we're doing... if we're OK, or if we're about to break up. Sometimes I think she can read my mind. I seriously do. I mean is that... normal? Is that what you... Eff?
Effy: You think you're going mad, so you came to see me to see what a mad person looks like.
Naomi: No. No! No! [beat] Yes.
Effy: Listen to me very carefully, Naomi: you need to get a message to the Dog Lord of Azerbaijan. He's got my toilet ticket.
[Effy and Naomi pause, and then burst out laughing]
Naomi: Oh, God, what are they giving you... and can I have some?

Everyone [4.8]

[Naomi is confronting Emily]
Naomi: [steadily breaking down in tears] I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was 12. It took me 3 years to pluck up the courage to speak to you and I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl. I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away but it didn't work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault but really, I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me and I'm a total fucking coward because [reaches into her bag] I got [pulls out tickets] these, these tickets to Goa for us 3 months ago but I... I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible because, really, I'd die for you. I love you. I love you so much it's killing me.
[Beat. Emily then kisses and hugs Naomi.]
[Cook has discovered John Foster has killed Freddie. Dramatic music plays]
Cook: I don't think you know what I am, mate.
John Foster: I think I do. You're nothing. [Cook nods sarcastically] You don't deserve that girl. And you know... I do.
Cook: [mockingly] I'm a fucking waste of space. I'm just a stupid kid. I got no sense. A criminal. I'm no fucking use, me. I am nothing. So, please... Please... Get it into, you know, into your bonce... that you killed my friend. And... [shrugs] I'm Cook. [John Foster smiles] I'm Cook! [throws a punch. Series ends]
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