- Simon: Hello.
- Laura: Well, if it isn't the man from the Ministry.
- Julie: What are you doing here?
- Simon: Well, once you've been beaten up, dunked in the mud and almost drowned, you grow sort of fond of a place.
- Julie: We don't like your sort here.
- Laura: Julie!
- Simon: My sort! What is my sort?
- Julie: Furtive, devious, and British.
- Simon: Well, I'm sorry, but those are the basic qualifications for the civil service.
- Julie: Watch he doesn't nick anything.
- Simon: You have a charming daughter.
- [first lines]
- Laura: Ready? OK, Winston, the world is watching! Tits out, tummy in.
- Winston: Citizens of the Independent State of Flatby, it gives me great pride and pleasure as Mayor of Flatby to...
- Julie: Uh, no no no. Sorry, not Mayor.
- Winston: What?
- Laura: Julie, shut up.
- Julie: But he's no longer Mayor.
- Winston: [indicating chain of office] So what's this then, my bloody tonsils?
- Malcolm: She means that Mayor is an English title.
- Julie: You are now Head of the Administrative Board.
- Winston: Oh good, I'm so glad; it's nice to know who you are. It gives me great pleasure as Head of the Administrative Board of the Indepndent State of Flatby to inaugurate this border crossing and unveil this wonderful sign.
- Gareth: Simon, maybe my memory is about as reliable as a condom on a porcupine, but did you not say you had dealt with this particular boil on the buttock of our body politic?
- Gareth: I already have a seasoned diplomat down there; just join up with him, and let him handle everything.
- Bill Jarvis M.P.: Well, uh, well, why should I?
- Gareth: Because in life's thorny desert, sir, my man Simon Watson is known as a delicate and sensitive flower, while you are known as having all the subtlety and charm of a truck smash at a Dolly Parton concert. So...
- Bill Jarvis M.P.: Now, Winston, what do you want for your support at this afternoon's meeting? New year's honours? Nice little O.B.E., hm?
- Winston: O.B.E.? Huh. Other Buggers' Efforts.